Satisfaction guaranteed, for the price of a local call. Impoverished students, Lily and Brooke, share just about everything – a dorm room, a single bean-bag, a telephone. A toy. It’s not a lesbian thing, it just seems terribly practical to get their relief at the same time. At least, they would get relief if they understood how the damn thing is supposed to work. Ever the practical one, Lily calls the returns department, but instead gets the Tech Support, where the exceedingly knowledgeable Sanjeev walks the girls through the toy’s standard use case. It turns out they’d just been doing it wrong, and with Sanjeev’s help, Lily discovers whole new dimension to mutual satisfaction that she and Brooke are keen to explore. 1800-DILDO is not your standard sex story. Presented as a script for a radio play, it conjures up images of dusty BBC studios, beautifully coiffed voice actresses in print dresses, and sound effects men with bells and clappers and trays of gravel. It does beg the question, though: what sound does a strap-on make?